As the father of two young children, I find myself frequently repeating the encouraging phrase “be nice” to correct their behavior. This week, however, I noticed a natural shift in my language when they were not merely being nice, but rather kind to each other. Niceness does not require going out of one’s way for someone else; it merely requires that we do not add to another person’s suffering. Kindness is a stronger act, one that actively removes suffering or contributes to happiness or even joy. You can be a nice enough person all by yourself, quietly working on your own tasks without bothering anyone. For some, I am sure, this sounds like a nice life. But consider how this prayer would read if we asked G-d to be nice to us rather than kind. Perhaps niceness is the baseline for G-d, but we must implore G-d to act kindly toward us.

We seek G-d’s חֵן (ḥen), favor, as Esther will seek it, and we request G-d’s רַחֲמִים (raḥamim), compassion, knowing that we will falter amid internal and external pressures. We also ask for G-d’s חֶסֶד (ḥesed), first translated in Miles Coverdale’s 1535 Bible as the now familiar lovingkindness. Over the years, חֶסֶד (ḥesed) has also been rendered as covenantal love, steadfast love, loyalty, and mercy. Unequivocally, it carries the notion of active and reliable kindness and though we may struggle to define it, we recognize it in action. We know it when we see it. Yet twice in this blessing we ask for חֲסָדִים טוֹבִים (ḥasadim tovim), good acts of lovingkindness. Is there another kind of kindness?

One morning this week, my youngest daughter woke up on the wrong side of her crib. She was in a thoroughly grumpy mood, perhaps brought on by any number of ailments that can disrupt the sleep of a two year old. She was not crying, but she was being unkind to her sister and mother. Our response was to ask her, first politely and then more sternly, to be nice to her family. In truth, what we were asking for was kindness. As emotions and tears swelled, my toddler burst from the room and ran down the hall toward me while I made my morning coffee. I had a choice about which form of lovingkindness to pursue. One option was to punish her for her behavior so that justice would be served to my wife and her sister, and so that she would learn that actions have consequences.

The alternative, which I chose after a sip of coffee, was to approach my “mean” little girl, give her a big hug, ask her to take a deep breath, and then send her off to her castle to calm down, secretly recharging her willpower so she could return and perhaps be ready to offer her own kindness and make amends. Justice would still be served, but it would be tempered with רַחֲמִים (raḥamim), compassion, to dilute the bitter taste. While I had a positive moment this week, I can assure you that many times before, and very likely in the future, I have not and will not have the willpower to make the same choice.

Jewish liturgy often ends with a catch-all blessing. When we recite the בְּרָכוֹת רִאשׁוֹנוֹת (berakhot rishonot), the blessings before a meal, we move through a hierarchy of specific foods: bread, grain, grapes, fruit, vegetables, and finally שֶׁהַכֹּל נִהְיָה בִדְבָרוֹ (shehakol nihyeh bidvaro), everything else.  So too here, after naming our requests, we conclude with something broader and more vulnerable. Life is hard. Help us live it with Your love.

Here, as we conclude בִּרְכוֹת הַשַּׁחַר (Birkot HaShaḥar), the morning blessings, we do the same. We intuitively sense that we cannot possibly have covered everything for which we wish to praise G-d, nor everything we want to request for the day ahead. So we turn to the most basic plea: Life is hard for many, for most, maybe all. Help us model Your love for one another and help others to do the same to us. Act kindly toward us as individuals, not only toward us as a collective people.

Sometimes this חֶסֶד (ḥesed) is painful: the kindness we show is to allow others to experience consequences, and so we express hope that the just decree will be averted. Perhaps we even gently remind G-d, the way my little girl reminded me with her tears, to show us חֲסָדִים טוֹבִים (ḥasadim tovim), good acts of lovingkindness, even if we deserve the other kind.

There is something bracingly honest about this blessing. It does not ask only that God love us. It asks that we find favor in God’s eyes and in the eyes of all who see us. Judaism recognizes a difficult truth: we live simultaneously before Heaven and before one another. The biblical phrase לִמְצֹא חֵן בְּעֵינֵי (limtzo ḥen b’einei), “to find favor in the eyes of,” appears again and again. Noah finds חֵן (ḥen). Joseph finds חֵן (ḥen). Esther finds חֵן (ḥen). The “eye” in Scripture signals evaluation, standing, judgment. To be seen favorably shapes safety and belonging. To be seen harshly narrows a life. This prayer therefore asks for alignment, that we stand well in the eyes of God and in the eyes of society. It is a vulnerable request, because to ask to be seen kindly is to admit how deeply it wounds to be seen otherwise.

But the prayer does not stop at favor. It moves beyond perception into relationship and action. We ask for חֵן (ḥen), for רַחֲמִים (raḥamim), and for חֶסֶד (ḥesed). חֵן (ḥen) is gracious appeal, the benefit of the doubt. רַחֲמִים (raḥamim), rooted in רֶחֶם (reḥem), womb, evokes protective compassion, empathy that shields vulnerability. And חֶסֶד (ḥesed) is more demanding still. First rendered in English as “lovingkindness,” it has also been translated as covenantal love, steadfast love, loyalty, mercy. Yet no single word quite contains it. חֶסֶד (ḥesed) is not mere pleasantness. It is active, reliable kindness. One can be “nice” in isolation, causing no harm. But חֶסֶד (ḥesed) requires movement toward another. It is love enacted in ways that reduce suffering and increase dignity. The progression is deliberate: first we ask to be seen generously, then to be treated loyally, then to be held compassionately. Perception. Commitment. Care.

Then comes the striking phrase: גָּמְלֵנוּ חֲסָדִים טוֹבִים (gomleinu ḥasadim tovim), “deal with us in good acts of kindness.” The verb גמל (gamal) often implies measured treatment, even reciprocity, receiving what one is due. The prayer acknowledges that justice is real. Yet it asks that what we receive be חֲסָדִים טוֹבִים (ḥasadim tovim), kindnesses that are unmistakably good. The doubling is daring. Is there such a thing as kindness that does not feel good? Jewish tradition has long wrestled with the idea of “hidden good,” of suffering reframed as benevolence. But this blessing is more direct. It asks for goodness that is evident, compassion that softens rather than sharpens, love that builds rather than wounds.

The blessing concludes by naming God as גּוֹמֵל חֲסָדִים טוֹבִים לְעַמּוֹ יִשְׂרָאֵל (gomel ḥasadim tovim l’amo Yisrael), the One who habitually bestows good acts of kindness upon His people Israel. The participle גּוֹמֵל (gomel) suggests constancy, not impulse. Kindness is not an occasional divine mood. It is a defining trait. Covenant means that Israel’s story is sustained by enduring חֶסֶד (ḥesed).

And yet the prayer does not allow us to remain only recipients. If we ask for חֵן (ḥen), do we grant the benefit of the doubt to others? If we seek רַחֲמִים (raḥamim), do we allow ourselves to feel the vulnerability in those we encounter? If we plead for חֶסֶד (ḥesed), do we practice kindness that costs us something? We cannot control how we are perceived. We cannot guarantee alignment between divine judgment and human opinion. But we can control the eyes we bring into the world.

There is a quiet liturgical wisdom here. Jewish prayer often concludes with a kind of catch-all blessing, an acknowledgment that we have not named every need or every gratitude. After enumerating specifics, we gather them into one encompassing plea. So too here. Having praised and requested in detail, we end with something both simple and immense: life is fragile, human beings falter, societies fracture. Help us to be sustained by חֲסָדִים טוֹבִים (ḥasadim tovim). Help us to mirror גּוֹמֵל חֲסָדִים טוֹבִים (gomel ḥasadim tovim).

On its surface, it is a modest request: to be regarded favorably, treated loyally, and held compassionately by both Heaven and society. Beneath that modesty lies something transformative. A world shaped by חֵן (ḥen), anchored in חֶסֶד (ḥesed), and softened by רַחֲמִים (raḥamim) is not merely more pleasant. It is more just, more durable, more humane. The prayer begins as a plea to be seen with kindness. It ends as an invitation to become its agents.

May we find grace, love, and compassion in Your sight, and the sight of all who look upon us this day and every day. Grant us a full measure of loving kindness. Praised are You Adonai, who bestows loving kindness upon his people Israel.

And help us this day, yes, every day to be generous, friendly, and cheerful. As we face You and all who we will meet, keep us in Your grace and bless us.

Siddur Tov leHodot (2022)
Ramah in the Rockies
Digitization: The-Merkaz.org
License: Fair Use

Give us today and every day grace kindness and mercy in Your sight and in the sight of all who regard us, and grant us Your love and kindness. Blessed are You G-d, inspiring Your people Israel with love and kindness.

Seder Ha-T’fillot, Forms of Prayer
The Movement for Reform Judaism and Authors 2008
Source: The Sternberg Center for Judaism
Digitization: The-Merkaz.org
License: Fair Use

Today, and every day, may I merit your mercy, by living my life with compassion and love. Holy One of Blessing, draw me to Your words; teach me the art of sacred living.

Baruch atah, Adonai, ham’lameid chasidim tovim l’amo Yisrael.

Grant us this day and every day favor, kindness, and compassion in Your eyes and in the eyes of all who see us, and bestow bountiful kindness upon us, Blessed are You, Adonoy, Who bestows bountiful kindness upon His people Israel.

Translation based on the Metsudah linear siddur, by Avrohom Davis, 1981
Source: nli.org.il
 Digitization: Sefaria
License: CC-BY

And grant us today and every day grace and kindness and mercy, in your eyes and in the eyes of all who see us, and reward us with good kindnesses. Blessed are You, Hashem, who rewards good kindnesses upon His nation, Israel.

Berakhot 60b.6d:

Grant me, today and every day, grace, loving-kindness, and compassion in Your eyes and the eyes of all who see me,
and bestow loving-kindness upon me.
Blessed are You, O Lord, Who bestows loving-kindness on His people, Israel.

Koren – Steinsaltz
William Davidson Edition – English
Source: korenpub.com
Digitization: Sefaria
License: CC-BY-NC

Berakhot 60b.6d:
[..] and let me obtain this day, and every day, grace, favour and mercy in Thine eyes and in the eyes of all who behold me; and bestow loving kindnesses upon me. Blessed art Thou, O Lord, Who bestowest lovingkindnesses upon Thy people, Israel.”

Favorécenos hoy y durante todos los días de nuestra vida con Tu gracia, misericordia y piedad. Haznos congraciar con nuestros semejantes. Prodíganos Tu bien y Tu merced. Bendito eres Tú Adonai, que prodigas el bien y la merced a Tu pueblo Israel.

Berakhot 60b.6cd: